by Jake Katz and Maddie Katz
My name is Jake Katz, and I am currently in the process of getting my twin sister Maddie off my hands.
April Fool's Issue
I have been living with Maddie for over 18 years, and I think it is time I hand her off to someone else. However, I am not passing her off because she is defective (though I would get her tested and make sure she has all her shots before you let her into your house) but because I feel Maddie needs a new environment in which she can demonstrate her unique set of skills. Maddie’s special skills make her a great twin sister for anybody. For example, Maddie has a remarkable talent of telling you her opinion even if you don’t want hear it. So if you think that new sweater you bought would go great with your favorite pair of jeans, don’t worry: Maddie will tell you it won’t. Also, she talks in a high-pitched tone that I am pretty sure only dogs can hear. So if you ever need to punish your dog for doing his business in the house, you can just have Maddie talk to him; I am sure Rufus will never poop on the sofa again.
These qualities are very hard to find in a person, so I implore you to look closely into acquiring a twin sister for yourself. And I know what you’re thinking: “Ugh, taking care of a twin sister is so much work.” Well, I am here to tell you; it is not. You only have to provide her with three square meals a day, and a small cage in the kitchen for her to sleep in. Thank you for your interest. I hope you consider making Maddie Katz the newest member of your family.
Sincerely, Jake Katz
To the Editor:
Many of you may know Jake as the tall, goofy kid trudging through the halls of WHS swinging his Red Sox lanyard around his neck while decked out in complete Michigan attire. However, to me he is the thorn in my side that HAS to go. Although I am no longer a fan of him, many other people might be able to use his unique set of skills to their benefit.
First of all, his sizeable build can be used as a playground for the neighborhood kids. His endless knowledge of NCAA basketball could also keep any sports fan entertained for hours. In addition, he is often sleeping and will never offer to clean up or do anything around the house, so you never have to worry about seeing him that often. Except of course when he decides to play the piano really early in the morning or late at night. I’m sure at times his joking manner will leave me wondering why I put him up for sale, but when I take the time to think about his true character, I beg those looking for a twin brother to strongly consider this opportunity.
Having a twin is really not as much of a hassle as most people make it out to be. Most of the time Jake can fend for himself, except when it comes to getting dressed in the morning, and then he needs a mom to pick out his outfit and tame his unruly curls.
I know you must be thinking, “Why would this girl ever want to put up her twin brother for sale?” I just want to be able to share the unparalleled wonder that is Jake Katz.
Sincerely, Maddie Katz