​I don’t care what Charlie Brown thinks, there are no great pumpkins. But it seems like I’m the only one who feels this way.

Let’s face it: girls are mean, but pumpkins make them even meaner. In fact, the girls at WHS have a pumpkin cult, and the initial hazing consists of new members hollowing out pumpkins and wearing them on their heads, doing a ritual dance while other members barrage them with gourds.

It is also rumored that the goop from pumpkins has medicinal qualities for one’s skin, and it is thought to bring good luck. The athletic office is considering a new rule that before school teams’ sporting events the entire team must spread goop on each other in order to increase the chances of a victory. WHS is also taking advantage of the adhesiveness of the goop. It is said that Mr. Renwick spreads the goop on the back row of parking spots for students in order to restrict them from leaving during the day.

Finally, due to the recent failure of the turf field bond, the BOE has decided to turn the back field into a pumpkin patch. In order to make a quick fix for the school roofs, the pumpkin goop will be used as a sealer. The Great Pumpkin is the new school mascot and the school’s parking spots have been adjusted in order to fit pumpkin carriages.

I can’t wait until Thanksgiving—because there’s no such thing as a turkey latte.