by Eric Oberman
At the start of a new year, it is customary for people to make lists of resolutions. And for many people, this can be incredibly difficult. I wanted to help this situation by offering my resolutions for the new year. They include:
1. Read more: Now that I’m almost a second-semester senior, I might have time to read something besides cereal boxes, shampoo bottles and my own college essays. I’ll start by reading every book that I replaced with SparkNotes throughout high school. I owe it to myself (and every English teacher I’ve had).
2. Learn to read: This is very important for number 1.
3. Convince Nickelback to move to a different continent: For all of us.
4. Take a cross-country road trip: While obviously not every state in the U.S. is worth visiting—I’m looking at you, Mississippi—this would still be a great experience.
5. Use the words cacophony and sockdolager more often: These words will impress anyone that I meet, especially since I will be using them in essentially every sentence from now on. But what’s even better is how fun they are to say. As I write this, I am repeating them over and over again to myself and giggling uncontrollably.
6. Save more money: My money problems came to a head this holiday season, when I was so broke that I could only give my entire family heartfelt cards. (A disaster.) From now on I’m going to be more careful about my spending habits, so I can just go back to giving out gift certificates. Also, I’m going to be buying a lot more books.
7. Call you: Maybe.
8. Meet Michelle Obama: Michelle Obama is a great person with a big heart and incredible arms. I would like to meet her. Please contact Hi’s Eye with any tips on how to make this happen.
9. Steal the Declaration of Independence: There’s only one way to find the treasure that will prove my family right. Plus, I’ve been meaning to hang out with Nicolas Cage.
10. Start writing real articles instead of lists: It’s just too easy.