by Malcolm Spurlock
What is distastefully warm and itchy, and unbearably tight? The answer is clear: ugly holiday sweaters.
Of the many things to lay dormant in great grandma’s attic, uglieous holidaious--the ugly holiday sweater--is the last thing I ever imagined to make a comeback. I’m not exactly sure when holiday sweaters went from being a sure sign of bad taste (or color blindness) to a seasonal phenomenon, but they are now as festive and as tasteful as a fruitcake.
For those who have never seen these festive fuzzes in action, I pity you. Holiday sweaters have been my savior when it comes to occasions marked "holiday themed" on the invite. I simply throw on my vintage sweater and I fit right in among a sea of faux Santas, second-rate reindeer and knock-off Hanukkah Harrys.
What distinguishes a holiday sweater from a normal sweater (aside from classic holiday fair isle design) is the 20 pounds of wool and love put into making each and every garment. This specialty craftsmanship can be seen in the sweater’s remarkable ability to absorb spilt eggnog and flatter any figure, even Santa’s.
These sweaters also make a wonderful holiday gift. When you’re walking down the hallways, nothing screams "Christmas" like a Santa Claus face plopped in the center of your chest.
For those of us who sport a yarmulke, the light-up sweater is the way to go. Your peers will be delighted every day as the candles aglow on your menorah sweater.
Whether you’re naughty or nice, the most fashionable way to spread holiday glee is to wear sweaters for all to see!