by Christina Jones
Office A has decided that I am no longer the angel student I thought I was. I was issued my first detention, and now they have set me on my path to debauchery.
Here are just a few things on my Criminal Bucket List for the coming school year. (Reader discretion is advised!)
1. Dog-ear the English books. Perfect to get under your uptight English teacher’s skin.
2. Sneak a third butter packet with my everything bagel from Cafeteria B. Seriously, two packets are just not enough. You need 1.5 packets per slice of bagel. It’s simple math.
3. Don’t print at the Quick Print Station. Go online shopping, use the Supermatch college search on Naviance, stalk Genesis, etc.
4. Use erasable pens in math. Your geometry teacher thinks that you just ruined a perfectly good piece of graph paper, and then BAM! It erases. Math teachers don’t like surprises…or erasable pens.
5. Find creative ways to sneak into the library after the ten minute rule. Rent the Mission Impossible series for ideas. (Skip II. It will teach you nothing.)
6. Wear your gym clothes to school as your regular clothes, and pretend you actually changed. It saves valuable time in the locker room.
7. Walk aimlessly in non-blue hallways during lunch. Hall monitors, shmall monitors.
8. Leave your phone on during the day. Volume on silent. You don’t actually want it taken away.
9. Enter the library with your Big Gulp in hand. The sound of slurping angers the librarians, is a danger to the computers, and easily distracts students.
10. Get a drink of water during homeroom. Take your time. When they make the announcement that everyone should be in homeroom, it will feel like a personal shout out.
So just look out, Office A. I’ve got my mohawk gelled, muscle tees Febreze-fresh, and anchor tattoo (in blue Sharpie) on my shoulder. I’m ready for action.